temperance

If the Universe decides that your Tower should be knocked over, then it's your responsibility to start over and build a better one.




If you love to create things like I do, be it lyrics or drawings or DIY projects, you know how much your emotions can impact your projects.

The great days are the days when you're feeling great. The "what the fuck am I even doing" days are when you're just feeling... bleh.

At AniRevo a few weeks ago, I came face to face with an internal crisis from facing the end of an era for me and being forced to move on from the world of cosplay and conventions when I wasn't ready to. On top of that, there was one particular relationship I had with a friend that just got strained really badly.

Whoever said that there is a cure for Depression was obviously lying: once you have it, it never goes away. And the worst part for me is that I have Dysthymia, which is basically chronic depression. While for the most part, it's under control (after medication, therapy and learning to be introspective and non-judgmental of strangers (this last part is hard, like HARD.)). But every now and then, it likes to flare up again during moments of stress and feelings of betrayal, due to how I had initially become clinically depressed (the roots were from betrayal from friends and a lover at the time).

In that moment - in those three days of that one con - I felt like I had been betrayed.

Let me just say this: after having mused over my thoughts for a few hours on my own and organized my thoughts, I can clearly say that this is not her fault. Nor is it mine. It was simply a matter of a clash of ideals. Our ideas of what counts as being kind or being helpful were incredibly different, and it had not been made entirely clear what was considered okay and what wasn't, because the issue was always evaded due to fear of a more serious conflict, and the other side having just followed along with it for the same sake.

Being the overly-sensitive person that I am (most artists/crafters/musicians are, I find, and I'm considered the least sensitive of these people), I didn't know how to take it. No matter how I tried to silently overcome this, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Every time I saw posts by her on Facebook, that little angry monster started bubbling up inside and I'd have to stifle it back down. In Persona 4 terms, a Shadow was developing inside of me and I couldn't do anything to stop it with my current state of mind and environment.

Because of this, I couldn't get any work done. After releasing "NOW I KNOW", I suddenly hit a wall. I had illustrations that needed to be done for an animation project (that will be announced on Friday), I had to work on my next upload, which I did not have the drive to complete up until today, and I also have a collaboration with a good friend of mine who had finally sent in her lines to be mixed, as well as emails to send out and errands to run. School may be over for two more weeks, but I still have a shittonne of stuff I need to catch up on.

Last night was the last straw: whether it was with her or without her, I was going to resolve these feelings of chaos in my chest for this situation, once and for all. I knew deep down that she wasn't the main antagonist here -- I knew and still know that the reason why she keeps avoiding me at times when it matters that she faces me head-on is because she's scared of me. And the thought scared me.

So, with a venti soy mocha and a stack of loose leafs and a pen, I spent a good 2-3 hours in a corner of the local Starbucks and just jotted everything down. My guide: the Haikyuu!! OST (volume 1) that I listened to on the bus trip there (I went to the further local Starbucks, not the closer one), and a button of Sugawara's jersey (#3) from Kawaiiboku that I had gotten in a grab bag during AniRevo.

I love my family, but when it comes to stuff like this, I've learned that they just don't understand how my brain works half the time. And times like that, things can get pretty noisy and hectic and stressful in my household. On top of that, I was forcing myself to do work that I wasn't ready to do without a break. And to top it all off, my Dysthymia was telling my body that not going to the library to return the books I borrowed from my Shakespeare class was a great idea. Not to mention my performances on Love Live: School Idol Festival have been absolute shit lately because I can't even stay focused on the song without feeling like wanting to throw my phone across the room in the middle of the night.

With the strength of Haikyuu!!, the incentive of a free drink from my loyalty card, and the threat of (more) library fees guiding me, I forced my sorry ass out of its depressed state, dropped everything I was doing, and designated all of today just for... me. No one else. Not for my friend, not for my kouhais, not for my project leader, not for my YouTube audience. Just me.

There were tear-jerking moments, yes, of course there were. Because who wants to admit that they are at the brink of losing everything they had built upon for the last four, five years and are expected to be okay about it? Because who wants to admit that they might lose a friend simply because they were either too proud, too scared of a repeat from the past, or both? Within the span of 3.5 pages, double-sided and single-spaced, I came to terms with this ugly beast in my chest and finally let it go to become a beautiful swan. (I wish.) I also reminded myself of where I had come from, how far I had come, and how much further I had to go.

I have yet to test out my performance on LL:SIF (giving myself another day or two before I start that up again), but I've finished 90% of my to-do list within a matter of hours, and I'm pretty darn proud of it. I've even started taking on more projects and decided to fully rejoin the crew of the animation project I'm designing characters and writing songs for, since there's word we have more support than two years ago. o w o

It also gave me the courage to start approaching my friend about it our issue. I'm still waiting for a response, but I'll just assume that she's either too tired, too busy or both to respond right away to my message.

But, it's a start.